"I spin the tale passed onto me by a little creature of dubious hygiene skills."
"A tale of a little goblin whose name sounds like gargling hot sauce and lard in most tongues...'
"But translates roughly into: 'Chunk'."
"Now this 'Chunk' had already survived the Great Goblin Apocalypse That Almost Was But Really Wasn't..."
"And had gained some notoriety as a goblin of greed, bad odor and cowardice... For among the goblins, our vices are their virtues."
"So when this fellow escaped his near death from his original home, he moved to another warren with a bit of fame."
"There the Goblin King, Moregutt Badgss, took Chunk under his stinky wing, making him one of his favored retainers."
"And set before this odiferous fellow, he set two of his worst warriors to a great quest."
"For among goblins, you want the worst warriors, as they are most likely to run away at danger and draw the enemy away from you."
"The quest was a great one... To kill a roc!"
"It seems a bird of gigantic size had terrorized the little creatures horribly. And the king set them to kill it."
"Now rocs are gigantic birds that can carry away a horse and live in the high mountains..."
"So the less than brave trio set out to kill the beast, having found it from the remains of a scout who died nearby."
"The three snuck up close to the nest, an enormous affair big as a house..."
"So the goblins worked their way inside, the last rays of the setting sun painting the brightly-colored bird in the colors of the rainbow."
"Chunk, being the epitome of a goblin, sent the worthless warriors in first to slay the beast with their knives."
"Sadly, goblin knives compared to a bird the size of a small galleon is a bit pathetic..."
"And so they crept forward, shuddering in fear and trying not to stain their already stained garments."
"It was Chunk, standing at the rear, like a good goblin leader who made the error of tripping on a loose stone and grabbing a tail feather."
"Not yet asleep, the monstrous bird stirred and looked about itself with heavy lids... Right into the creeping goblins that stood by its head with knives raised."
"It was a moment frozen in time. Wide-eyed goblins staring slack-jawed at the titanic bird, its eyes the size of dinner plates staring back.... And angry."
"With a scream that rung off the mountaintops, the eagle jerked back, more frightened by the keening, crazed squeals of terror so loud from such small creatures as they flung themselves from the nest."
"Heedless, the horrifically bad goblin warriors tossed themselves onto the hard rocks beneath the nest. Winded, but terrified, they staggered off, keening with terror as the huge bird took flight above them."
"Chunk, being the paragon of goblin leadership was hiding in the back, safe. Unfortunately, at all the keening and shattering screams locked his grubby fist about the tailfeather in terror."
"Which would have been alright... But he was still clamped onto it as the mighty beast lurched into the air, flipping him from the tailfeather."
"Screaming to match his terrified brethern he sailed through the air like a portly, unwashed projectile to land in the worse place possible... On the roc's neck."
"Chunk would have likely prefered to have plummeted to the ground thousands of feet into the rocks below. For Chunk, along with his many other flaws, was terrified of birds... With a special terror for chickens."
"The gigantic bird snatched at the other two goblins, claws the size of carts knocking boulders loose and plunging the hapless pair down the mountain in a small avalanche."
"Chunk could have saved himself at that moment.... The survivor of the Apocalypse That Almost Was swifter of mind than most of his dim kind."
"But sadly, he instead followed his greatest urge... Fear. And proceeded to hang on for dear life. Which only spurred the mammoth roc to dive off into the perilous gorge to try and wriggle off the irritation."
"And as the goblin defied gravity, hanging onto a monstrous bird, his ability to keep from soiling himself was defied as well... Which only made his plunging mount manuver and twist to throw him off."
"And indeed, the bird flew past mountain peaks so close that he could reach out and touch them. At blinding speeds they flew from the Bones of the Gods Mountains, towards the fertile valleys below."
"Although not as swift as a falcon, the roc still plummeted downward at nearly a hundred knots."
"And there, clinging with hysterical strength, clutched hapless Chunk. For as any professional adventurer will tell you, goblins are by far the most hysterical creatures of all."
"With cheeks a-flap like empty wineskins in a hurricane, the fat not-so-bravo held on to life."
"Screaming incoherently, little, flabby Chunk yanked out his tiny knife and plunged it into the beast's neck."
"Stabbing wildly, he proceeded to only anger the bird who began to buzz the jagged outcroppings that lay at the base of the Bones."
"Soon they were just above the verdent green of the Green Expanse, a wide forest of tall evergreens."
"And it was then, tragedy struck. It was then, in a spinning turn, that Chunk lost his heroic grip and tumbled off..."
"And onto one of the bird's eyelids."
"A scream of surprise and pain rang back from the mighty bird of prey, his castle-span wings losing their tempo over the nearby lake."
"Chunk hung there, bellowing with fear as the titanic roc tossed its head, lost its vision for a moment.... And thunderously crashed into the trees just below its wingtips."
"The fat, helpless goblin shot off like a slingstone to skip from the lake many times."
"Finally, he pulled his soggy form from the far shore, exhausted and even more shockingly for a goblin... Clean."
"No one in his warren believed that he had survived after the two survivors had returned, beaten and bruised, telling of valiant Chunk's death flight with the monster."
"Even the great Badgss refused to believe that Chunk had killed the beast, impaled on a mighty evergreen."
"That was, until Chunk decided to bring his own drumstick to dinner.... On a stolen cart."
"The End."
No comments:
Post a Comment